Lies I was told

My independence button was pressed long time ago

In the past few years , the exams mode always  arised a stairway to a hidden part of my memory .

I don’t know much about the human memory , but I think mine is super wired . There are a couple of years of my life , I almost remember nothing about . It’s almost like a trauma , though there was no significant accident of despair .

But this semester,  almost every song I used to listen to  back in mid school & high school  comes to my mind .

I googled ” I don’t want to be like Cinderella ” .It is a song I used to listen to in mid school ! .  I didn’t remember the lyrics . This was like 8 years ago ! .  but I found it !

I have always thought  that I changed my way of thinking  because of my Egyptian experience . I moved to Egypt from Qatar in 2008 . For an 18-year-old girl raised up by a middle eastern family , moving out of my parents house to Egypt on my own ,was not that easy .People can be  judgmental and I was some young inexperienced girl .  I have always thought of that as what pressed my independence button , my eager to prove that I am totally okay alone and on my own . But again I was mistaken, It has been  my life philosophy since I was a teenager . I have always believed in no guardian but myself !.I believed no one will knock my door offering me a ride away from my problems and no  prince charming on the white horse will come  across my way to save me from what ever issues I have and we will end up happily married with 3 kids ! .  It’s either you believe or not ….and I simply didn’t . One can state all his/her reasons to believe/disbelieve , but for me it was no unfrank accident .It just didn’t seem logic by that time , and It’s not logic now . I am no half ! I am a complete person and prince charming will come across my way , not to complete me but to share his stories with my magic warm hug . and of course it will be totally okay to lean on him every once and while . and It will be charming to share my untold stories with my prince charming !.

“Half woman seeking the whole man ” , I believe these were stories told by women , who found no relief but telling fiction .

There is this inner voice inside of me telling me that it’s not right to believe in no earthly  power but yourself .  I don’t believe in any earthly guardian under any category . And as a Muslim , I even rejected the Mahdi dogma few years ago .  

People seek protection by believing in the illogic , I can’t change who I am  …but I am aware of the fact that am like a girl who is left naked in down town , to face the mobs ! .

Ironically , I remember the stories weaved by women who surrounded me throughout  my  life about the dos or not to dos for a girl , the perfect relationship , the perfect ending , the perfect body , the perfect ‘ turn on /turnoff ‘ sexuality,the perfect looks ….etc .

I am now 22 , and I can  shout at the top of my lungs : Ladies , I love you all  , but screw your dos and not dos .

Sadly I have no stories weaved  by me.,… but  I am working on my version ! . and it will be as unique as my finger print.

Sorry mama I no  longer believe in many things . My beliefs are shrinking … I am revisiting what I was taught , and I discovered that I was told one lie after another…we were dumped in to a black  box long time ago. I am seeking light of my box ! .

OK , this is totally pointless .